Want to know how to set boundaries and then stick to them?
Whether this is your first time setting boundaries, or you’ve set boundaries in the past and failed to uphold them then this is for you. Keep on reading to find out how to set boundaries and stick to them.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is a limit or rule that we set for ourselves. They are normally set in relation to other people. They allow an individual to make a decision about what they will and won’t allow to happen to them, as well as outline what they will and won’t agree to.
Examples of boundaries
There are several different types of boundaries that you can set, such as physical, emotional, sexual and material. Some examples of boundaries are:
- Not allowing certain people to enter your personal space
- Not answering your boss’s emails or calls after a certain hour
- Not agreeing to do any more volunteering
- Always taking a day to reflect before buying something online
- Having a dedicated amount of time each week to be alone and practice self-care
Why is it important to have boundaries?
Before finding out how to set boundaries it is important to understand why setting boundaries is important for individuals. Boundaries help you to communicate to others how you want to be treated. Setting boundaries allows you to really think about how you want your relationships (professional, intimate, friendship etc) to be and then put rules in place to try and ensure that type of relationship happens.
HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES AND STICK TO THEM
1. Decide what boundaries you need to have in your life
When it comes to setting boundaries it usually easiest to identify what you are currently accepting that you don’t like and then create boundaries around that. For example, if you have friends that are always late when meeting you and whilst you’ve found it frustrating you’ve done nothing about it then it would make sense to create a boundary around that. Decide that from now on you won’t accept people being late when meeting you and if someone is later than 10 minutes you will start the activity without them or cancel the meeting and do something else.
2. Write down your boundaries and the why behind them
Once you’ve decided on what boundaries you want to set write them down. You are likely to be trying to change the way you’ve been treated and the way you’ve responded to others for months if not years. It is easy to carry on just as before so make your life easier by writing down all of your new boundaries and then the why behind setting them. Writing down your boundaries will help you to remember them and writing down your why will help you to stick to them.
3. Communicate your boundaries to others
Setting boundaries is great, but since boundaries are usually designed in relation to someone else you’ll need to communicate your boundaries with the relevant person. Depending on the boundary you may decide at the time of setting the boundary to inform those who it applies to or you might wait until that boundary is being tested. Using the previous example of no longer accepting lateness from friends you might decide not to inform your friends at the point of setting the boundary. However, the next time they are late you could say that you are no longer accepting lateness. You find it disrespectful and in future if they are later than 10 minutes you will cancel the meeting and continue with your day.
4. Stay strong when your boundaries are tested
If you have set boundaries around behaviour that you have accepted or exhibited for years then the likelihood is people won’t believe the boundary is real or even if they think you are serious they’ll likely test you to see how you respond.
According to Tony Gaskins “You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce”.
It is your responsibility when being tested is to behave in accordance with the boundary you’ve set. Your behaviour needs to match your words. If you said you would leave, you leave. If you said you wouldn’t agree to something, you don’t.
This is especially important in the early stages of setting a new boundary. You have to make it clear that you have changed and that you are living your life by your new boundaries.
There you have it. You now know how to set boundaries and stick to them.
Deciding to make a change in your life by setting and upholding new boundaries is challenging. People will test you and there will be times where it feels easier to break your boundaries, but by focusing on your why you’ll hopefully be able to stay strong and improve your life.
In the comments, I would love to know one boundary you are going to set.
If you found this blog post useful then you might also enjoy reading 4 boundaries that you need to set to maximise your success.
